Essex Machina

Lookee what I'm getting for Christmas.

2011-10-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

R.E.M. At My Most Beautiful

2011-02-19T04:19:00.001-08:00

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes
You always say your name,
Like I wouldn't know it's you,
At your most beautiful

(repeat chorus)

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes, secretly
With every one, whisper I love you
I let you sleep
I know you're closed eye watching me,
Listening
I thought I saw a smile

Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

2011-01-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed
Our feelings run dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings exposed
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just can't function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

I stopped wearing my engagement ring. I think this is it.

2010-11-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

POLARIS - SHE IS STAGGERING

Are you crazy, man?
You didn't notice her?
You must be blind
It's all I do now
Just think about how
She will be mine

I couldn't stand up
I couldn't sit down
One look at her and I stumble around

One look at her
I get irrational
She ties my tongue
I saw her downtown
On a cloudy day
She brought the sun
She's not a part of the scene
She don't socialize
She does her own thing
She's ahead of her time
Just the right speed
She is staggering

I couldn't stand up
I couldn't sit down
One look at her and I stumble around
She is staggering
She is staggering

She's uncommonly heavenly
She is so rare
She's beautiful, exceptional
She doesn't care

I couldn't stand up
I couldn't sit down
One look at her and I stumble around
I couldn't get to sleep
And then I couldn't eat
She's all that I want
She is all that I need
She is staggering
She is staggering
She is staggering
She is staggering

How could Ryan Love Me So Much?

2010-11-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

Photo by Michelle, Song by Gregory and The Hawk

2010-09-11T23:04:00.001-07:00

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

Odd,

2010-09-05T20:29:00.001-07:00

A weekend that didn't suck. I went to a roller derby game in another state, bought the t shirt and came home to sunbathe naked on rocks followed by awesome dinner and conversation with Rick and Michelle.

You think I'd leave your side, baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down
When you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside, baby, and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you, darling, and I will bring you home

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time, you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side, baby
You know me better than that
You think id leave you down
When you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me

Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh, when you're low
I'll be there by your side baby

Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh, when you're low
I'll be there by your side, baby

Monday and an Orange Cat

2010-08-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

I'd Do Anything For You

2010-06-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

No, I don't like turnips, I can't stand turnips, and I hate turnips, it's true!
But if you say turnips, then I eat catnip, 'cause I'd do anything for you!

Over the weekend I went to a Book Fair at Midtowne, in the Hipster District of Harrisburg, PA with my future sister-in-law. A tent full of current books all for a dollar. Even Penguin Publishing releases!

I went a little crazy. Between the heat, the low prices, the stress of the hipster element and the bonding factor, I grabbed 18 books to stuff into my already crammed backpack.

When I got back to the house, I flip through one of the "LOSE WEIGHT SELF HELP" things I buy to feel better about being chunky. Oops! Turns out one of them was really God oriented, much like a 12 step program-- Kind of book that makes me feel ooky for picking it up. The Bible God is not my God. My God is Ryan.

I went through the "Daily Word For Weight Loss: Spiritual Guidance to Give You Courage On Your Journey" with a bright pink pen and crossed out "God, Creator, Lord etc" and wrote "Ryan".

The more uncomfortable Ryan got while I read it outloud, the more I laughed. It just sounds like a more awesome book the way I rewrote it. Its now an insightful manual for the codependent partner who wants to lose weight. Like a 12 step program-- For Love and Carrot Stick Desserts!!!

"A Man Without A Century"-- Kurt Vonnegut

2010-05-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or how badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

Living Life

2010-03-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hold me like a mother would
Like I've always known somebody should, yeah
Although tomorrow don't look that good
Well it just goes to show
Though people say we're an unlikely couple
I'm seeing double of you
Oh

(Ryan is always there to hold me until I fall asleep. Strokes my hair back until the frowns disappear from my face. I quit my job and I'm not looking for a job. I want to finish many things before I start that horrible cycle of events again... I just have to figure out what those things are.)

This is life
And everything's all right
Living living living living living living living living life

(Everything really is all right, despite the harassment from my former place of employment)

Oh, hope for the hopeless
I'm learning to cope, with the emotionless mediocrity of day-to-day living
How can I help but be restless
When everything seems so tasteless
And all of the colours seem to have faded away.

(Its a cliched excuse around here, but living in Central Pennsylvania and not traveling like I used to is making me starving for a bit of fun in a major city. If I see another closeminded Republican fattie telling me how to live my life, I will go mad with more rage than I've been able to handle.)

Oh
This is life
And everything's all right
Living living living living living living living living life

(Waking up every day, wondering where my goals are, moving back and forth, removing the deckchairs from the Titanic... But its okay. I have a good partner in crime, a few roofs over my head, hot food, ability to buy t shirts to cut apart, time to do so. Things aren't so bad.)

Hold me like a mother would
Like I've always known somebody should, yeah
Although tomorrow don't look that good
Well it just goes to show
Though people say we're an unlikely couple
Doris Day, and Mott the Hoople

(I knew I deserved love like what I have with Ryan, my anchor. Many people try to take things away from me but he's one that they can't get to. We're so in love that that sense of dread of betrayal never permeates my consciousness for very long. He teaches me to be not crazy. Think like he does. Calmly and accurately access the situation. Teaches me, teaches me, teaches me. Put us side by side, we seem to be complete opposites. Manic and Calm. Angular and Organic. Night and Day. We're two halves to a set.

This is life
And everything's all right
Living living living living living living living living life

(I know I can accomplish anything with my Ryan beside me. If I could just figure out what that is. Plans are something that happen when I have the ability to let myself think.)

Valentine's Day or "When WILL Ess get married?"

2010-02-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

When will Ess get married?

I have no idea. See, I gots this ring on my finger. It is quite expensive. Don't ask me how expensive-- Haven't bothered to ask for an appraisal. I know I'm quite happy with my fiance so the marriage WILL occur. Probably in a court house. I'll be sure to wear something that even "People of Wal-mart.com" will shudder at to make the day memorable... that day being September 11th. (Gotta have him remember the date so I can have an excuse to do something extravagant like bonfires in the living room followed by extensive crying)

The hitch in our getting hitched is in the living arrangements. Once we are able to get a place together, I am assured we will tie the knot and perform lifelong erotic asphyxiation, like Ryan's and my hero, David Carradine.

I know Ryan and I love each other to bits. We can scream and damage each other like an old Irish couple and still fall asleep beside each other filled with ire for the outside world, not each other again.

Which brings me to Valentine's Day.

I have no idea what to do for my Sweetheart. Its a problem I assume he runs into as well with me. There are the usual consumerist activities, like dinner and a movie, but everyone does that. Besides, my birthday is 4 days after Valentine's Day (Write it down and I expect offerings on my altar that day) and we don't want to use up some of our A game.

Currently I anticipate taking him to see Wolfman, as he is quite hairy and plays those Role Playing Games involving Werewolves which his adores. Perhaps dinner but I can't possibly make it. (No kitchen-- got lucky this time) So, unless he wants something made with the handmixer I got for Christmas (Thanks, Mom and Dad. Now I can make my own cookies and save! Seriously.), I will take him to... The Taco Bell.

So we have Dinner (Taco Bell) and a movie (Wolfman). I think I'm covered on that aspect but that's pretty routine and not particularly romantic. What do romantic goths do for V-Day? Perhaps they write dark moody poetry.

Ryan my Raven

I used to love 'em and leave 'em
Peel their skin to the husk if they were mean
Now that I met you
The smells in my hunting shack are quite clean

Since I met you, I have no desire to maim
Yet my inferiority complex was somewhat to blame
I'm comfortable in that it flares up when I'm with you.

You stir in me giddiness
A feeling of rebelliousness
Yet complacency in knowing you'll provide alibis and talk to the doctors for me

You tell me I'm not permanently crazy
That the panic attacks can be overcome
I'm not so sure
So I'll go back to looking pretty and rearranging receipts on canvas.

Odd ideas you possess
No I will not wear that slutty dress
And the idea of doing that 24/7 is repulsive to my feminine accumen

If there's anyone in the world I would have rather stalked, it wouldn't have mattered.
Because you're the only one who gets me to write this blather.

Happy V-Day (I'm a little drunk)

Snow

2010-02-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

Today it is snowing, for what will be 10-12", so they say. Currently I am in a hotel room, paid for by my fiance, Ryan. It has internet access to watch movies and pass the time with.

It is snow that I will not play in, because I gave up all the clothes for jumping into piles of fluff. Because if I did leave the hotel room, I would probably be on my way to work at Neato Burrito.

Its semi depressing but I have a laptop and some art and time to myself and away from the disrespectful cries of howling apes, demanding my attention, becoming greedier and greedier.

Snow-- It is white and glittering and cold and hurts when large amounts are pushed onto the top of my still developing head.

Snow-- write about the snow. It will maroon me and I will not mind. They have to be able to get to me, to push their way to me because I will not venture out to them. As long as I have books and internet and many other hobbies, I don't need to see any when it snows.

Its like playing a piano as I type, hoping for the right notes.

"How do you function on a daily basis??"

I haven't been able to answer that question. From what I guess, with about 60% of my time alone and working on an intensive introspective project.

Ryan....

2010-01-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

You twisted your ankle
I carried you
You got a divorce
So I married you
You fell off a cliff
So I buried you
I wish there were more bad times to see you through
I wish there were more bad times

So many things did go wrong
But the list is not long enough
Not enough bad things to fill up a song

You never had rabies
You never gained weight
You never drank poison
You watched what you ate
You never came home with a terrible scar
You never so much as put a scratch on my car
You never got measles
You never got gout
You never got dizzy
And you never fell out
You never suggested we all play charades
You never picked up any live hand granades

You never lost contact
You never leaked oil
You never drank cleanser
And you never ate foil
You never got hurt by sticks and stones
You never choked on any big chicken bones
You never got mauled by a mad baboon
You never lost all the air in your balloon
You never got poked in the eye with a spork
You never got sick from all that leftover pork

Wish there were more bad times (x4)

I'd rather gather your bones
Than mop up this mess
If I scrub us all spotless
I'll wreck our success
I was holding your hand
When it fell on the floor
When you left you broke the knob on the door
I wish there was more

Engaged

2009-12-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

AS OF DECEMBER 25th I AM OFFICIALLY ENGAGED TO RYAN N HARCLERODE!!!

A Weekend to Myself

2009-11-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

Since cancelling on KollinBliss, I find myself with a free weekend. Its incredibly cold in my house so I'd like to spend at least half the time in a place that isn't drafty and working on a project.

Ryan is off on Friday and we have Saturday together (yay!!)

There's the project of "T shirt quilt", wherein I crack open the U-Stor-It where I keep my dissected-mummified ex boyfriends, action figures, and T-shirts my father gave me from his various microbiology/herpes virus workshops. (Seriously. Dad is a microbiologist/virologist/immunologist. Lots of time where I didn't see my dad when he worked for Dupont-Merck, gradschool, and seminars around to major research schools)

There's the *Pack MORE action figures into totes and put in the U-Stor-It* Which involves a lot of exhausted spatial organizing and cramming of various things.

There's the *Burn it to the ground* project wherein I belete all the things I have little interest versus the things with passing interest to the things where I caress them lovingly to my bosom on a daily basis (This includes kittens)

Still no names on the kittens. I have Kitten 1 *Light one* and Kitten 2 *Darker one*. Been calling them "Velma" and "Roxy" based on Heather's suggestion. No one likes the names but if I called them Miss Kitty Fantastico and DangerCat, my parents would ramp up the dismissive eyeroll.

SurlyGirl and PlunderKitty? Bah.

This is my opportunity to name them something I could never place on a human child that wasn't homeschooled. Anyway.

Project *Confusion* involves reading the rest of the Neal Stephenson "Baroque Cycle" and making notes and adjustments to where he crosses the line into Ayn Rand's hyperindividualism.

Project *Erotic* for Rick35mm. The canvas has to be prepped and, grudingly, I need to take the materials to Ryan's so I can work. However, I'm perplexed by what makes an erotic image. I have a stack of busty porn to let me in on the secret but my forbidden images involve clear denial of what I want but the chance to taste. Either taking or craving. I'm a bit like a cat. This scenario gets more interesting with the available props I have on hand. Masks and blindfolds are a bit of my thing if I want to distance myself and just FEEL without the status quo getting in the way. I took off Tuesday night in order to visit Rick and my painting so I'll need something to show where the money went that I was forwarded. >_> *Coughwaistcincher* (KIDDING!! I wish!)

Project *PORT* wherein I drink a bottle of port wine and try not to puke while working on any of these projects.

Project *Velocity* Nothing but protein shakes and multivitamins for the day like I'm a cyborg!

Project *GOLD'S* wherein I spend 4 hours at a Gold's Gym, taking classes and lifting free weights.

Project *SCAN* involves scanning the artwork I have been working on but won't show many people because I'm lazy and insecure and blame myself for everything going wrong.

Project *KISS*-- use all the Hershey Kisses I collected over the years *kept in the freezer* in various recipes.

Project *MOM* -- Finish the portrait I started 2 years ago. I'm a bad daughter, yes.

Project *WALLWASH* -- clean up a project from 4 years ago; my walls. Kinda ripped down the wallpaper and never did anything after that. I guess I want the industrial/shantyhouse effect.

Project *DRAPES* -- I do not have curtains or blinds over my windows. Its very easy to see into my room because I LOVE natural light more than you. However, this is a very good reason why my room is drafty. So I can make some drapes with old t shirts I find at Salvation Army or around the house. I just need to screw in rods and such, making sure to weatherproof the sides.

Whew. There are more projects that I can update later but that's all I can think of so far. With my multitasking skills (which, studies show that multitasking can lead to a leaky brainpan ala Alziehmer's) I could do a little bit of each of these and get them done by the end of the week.

BUT things bother me. Besides work and entitled customers. Mostly my clothes and being hungry. My body changes shapes between super thin and with extra skin to just being fat. *Stupid fickle personality* and I get frustrated easily and fatigued from the distractions.

Off to Ryan's where there's a warm shower and a lot of expensive beauty products waiting for me.

KollinBliss

2009-11-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

*Sigh* I really wanted that gig. My car is keeping me on edge and I'm looking around for a new one.

My mother offered to let me drive her car. The last time I drove another person's car, I ended up crashing it into a store. *cough*

My boyfriend won't give me a ride unless it was a paying gig, travel included. I tend to agree but I wanted out of this area for a bit and a wonderful photographer sweetens the deal.

I can't drive to an unknown area by myself in a car that hints at breaking down with no cash to come back with.

I want to take on more modeling gigs. Ryan hates what it does to me though. The competitiveness... the obsession...

And I just bought a lot of false eyelashes on Halloween discount.

Still Alive (Portal)

2009-10-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)

Still Alive from Portal

2009-10-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

Cause it's gonna be the future soon
And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It's gonna be the future soon
I've never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it's already here

"Pepper"

2009-10-14T18:15:00.001-07:00

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Butthole Surfers - Pepper

Shared via AddThis

Its a good thing that my shoots were canceled for the week. My car refuses to drive more than a mile and every mechanic tells me I'm a stupid woman because, "Derr. It totally turns on and runs for hours in one place."

"Did you try test driving it around the block?"
"what? Why would we do that? Well, I GUESS WE WILL NOW."

Me thinks they won't even do that. And I'll get stuck in the middle of a busy interception. Again. And sideswiped and harassed to be FURTHER off the road with my flashers on. Again. I hope every one of those fuckers dies in a fiery car crash beyond the scope of my mind's eye.

The plan. I go in tomorrow morning, hitching a ride with my dad, who doesn't give anything more than half-assed frustrated answers like my mom when I asked them for advice. (Its pretty bad when I get a text out of the blue from Ryan "Don't . Hurt. Your. Parents. and I respond with "GAH! Foiled again! It was going to be a surprise!")

When the car goes only a mile, again, I call Ryan and hope he'll pick me up from the side of the road, since this time I'll have my phone on me. (Last time I had to get a cop to drive me back to Ryan's place after making a call at a 24 Hour CVS, with an unpleasent old woman who insisted I was over 30)

Then another day squashed and desparate while staying at my parents in my cold cold room. I'd rather just walk to Mechanicsburg than stay here.

Freed up Time

2009-10-11T04:42:00.001-07:00

Aaaand once again a photographer cancels on me and doesn't know that I can't afford to take days off from my normal job. Its not his fault. But models really can't afford to be canceled on whether or not its their only occupation.

So I'm going to try to find more work that day, Thursday October 15th, to make up some of the cost (obviously).

I'm just frustrated that this was a photographer I had been corresponding with for some time and it completely fell through.

As I Rise

2009-10-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

My mother is in Florida. I hope she's not studying the habits of a sea turtle like the rest in her party, a trailer-livin' grandma, an older woman with Parkinson's, some kids and a gay couple. And people wonder where I get my open mindedness in Central PA.

Dad was subpoenaed into court to be a character witness in a civil trial for his friend and fellow manager. Now he's taking care of the kittens I found a few weeks ago and dropped off into my bathroom with kittie food and water. It helps having a giant father who has a big interest in veterinary medicine for little balls of insolent fluff.

Ryan had a birthday party. It involved his mother, very sick, his step father who had a heart attack shortly after the party (I fully regret getting Ryan cheesy poofs after the party now) and his sister, the behavior psych grad student with her boyfriend, one of the fellow art stars at HACC, community college of the stars. His family is awesome. I can make very horrible jokes about drug use and purging in the bathroom after dinner and no one asks questions.

Currently I'm wearing a t shirt that would have fit me a year ago but I'm slowly becoming a plus size model since I found a boy who isn't going to the gym to fuck other women, loves junk food, and doesn't have ego issues to leech onto me.

So, yeah, the shirt. Its my favorite. Doesn't fit at all.

Taking Ryan on a trip to Baltimore this weekend. I say the AQUARIUM. This is an inner quest for peace. Maybe stop by Inner Harbor. This trip is about us. Not consuming. Dark and moody ... maybe we'll visit Edgar Allan while we're in the area. Throw the top shelf booze I may have on his grave. The literary fucker.

Have to be at work shortly. Still at Neato. Because I tried to get more hours to pay for this trip, my manager may have punished me with even fewer hours than she could have given me for being so smart to pick up the slack next week. Well, bully.

Going to the Amanda Palmer show? Not sure if Panda bought the ticket for herself. I'll buy my own but I don't know if I'm still driving her and her friends for gas money.

Hopefully shooting with X-muse this week. Its been back and forth for so long now. Not sure about state parks around here since I spend most of my time in Harrisburg.
Suggested Bube's Brewery.

"Sleep comes to everyone while we wait for the Sunday afternoons. "

2009-10-04T03:06:00.001-07:00

Sleep comes to everyone while we wait for the Sunday afternoons.
Sleep comes to everyone, everyone maybe yeah, but you.
Sleep comes to everyone while we wait, wide awake and blue.
Sleep comes to everyone, everyone maybe, yeah, but me and you.

And so I give myself away, to everybody everyday.
And so I give myself to you, and you need it more than I do.
And so I give myself away, unto everybody everyday.
And so I give myself to you, and you need it more than I do.

Sleep comes to everyone while we wait for the Sunday afternoons.
And sleep comes to everyone, everyone maybe, yeah, but you.
And I had this one figured out,
That's why the suicide machine is built for two,
A simple sick device devised to overload on love,
To bring us colored dreams and soundtracked waves of fun.

And so I give myself away, to everybody everyday.
And so I give myself to you, and you need it more than I do.
And so I give myself away, to everybody everyday.
And so I give myself to you, and you need it more than I do.

Sleep comes to no one else like we have falling through the ground,
Fulfilling promises of endless summer nights,
I'm losing ground, you're losing sound.

Somewhere through a thousand blues,
A dragonfly descends with just a whisper, I'm lonelier than God.
And all my wishes spin the fishes in the air and every one,
A different shade of you.

And to the left where up is down
Now stands a zebra made of shapes of me,
And silver and the sun.
So bring no guilt with you up above the flat-line,
Let's just hit the sky exploding into one.

Modeling today at 7:30 am to 10:30. Followed by endless days of working at the restaurant. Followed by heroin.

"I'm madly in love with you"

2009-09-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Everyday brings change,and the world puts on a new face
Sudden things rearrange, and this whole world seems like a new place
Secretly i been tailing you
Like a fox that prays on a rabbit
Had to get you and so i knew
I had to learn your ways and habits
Ooooooh, you were the catch that i was after
I looked up and i was in your arms and i knew that i was captured

What's this whole world comin' to
Things just ain't the same
Any time the hunter gets captured by the game

I had to lay such a tender trap
Hoping you might fall into it
Love hit me with a sudden slap
One kiss and then i knew it
Ooooooh, my plans didn't work out like i thought
'Cause i had laid my trap for you but it seems that i got caught

What's this whole world comin to
Things just ain't the same
Any time the hunter gets captured by the game

I'm not sure if anyone would understand this situation. In high school I had very few friends. I was too isolated and preferred to be alone with my crazy. There was one friend, Ryan, who I looked forward to talking to. He got me laughing and thinking more than anyone I had ever met. A genius that kept me happy and laughing in a Catholic school that felt like crucifying me nearly every day for wearing black... I'm not sure how many shades of irony are in that statement but I digress. I had the biggest crush on Ryan. I had notebooks filled with comments on my day and interaction with him. Couldn't get enough of him. Oh yeah, he was also dating my best friend.

Maybe I thought he wasn't paying enough attention to me so I beat him up. He hit back. We sparred. Eventually we settled it a bit and then he had to move away. I was frustrated and angry enough to just say "Fuck it" to my social anxiety and awkwardness in asking anyone for anything and went to art school in my senior year when I should have been taking the AP classes for college.

I never forgot him. I modeled most of my interests after his, even when he had left. I dated people from around the area where he lived. Sometimes I saw him at college. He was engaged to a 'model'. Maybe that's why I decided to do what I do for health insurance money. (Modeling that is)

He saw me around 4 years later after the initial run in at college.

"... Hi Ryan."
"???"
"Its me. Ess."
"Wow, you got hot."
*Friend hits him* "That's not nice"
"Well, she did!!"

I had been going to the gym for 2 hours a day at this point and eating nothing but protein. Spent most of my time in the art studio when I wasn't at the gym or sleeping around with someone new.

It wasn't until this past December that he gave me his phone number. I was always taking numbers while seeing Jeremy. I wasn't feeling it but he was a nice guy that took care of me so I tried to convince myself we'd break up when the time was right. Ryan and I had a regular coffee date and one night I was hyped on coffee while a night shift and wanted company. One kiss and I was Ryan's, utterly and completely.

We've been dating since the beginning of May. It feels like yesterday. I want to say its been longer since I've thought of him nearly every day for 9 years. We have a bond and passion I've never felt for anyone. It makes me misty eyed.

Rick 35mm - Essex Seated

2009-06-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

Picture Page

2009-06-06T19:53:00.001-07:00

What do you think?

May Will Be Different

2009-06-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

Camera Obscura - Super Trouper (ABBA Cover)

2009-06-04T18:21:00.001-07:00

Camera Obscura - Super Trouper (ABBA Cover)

Shared via AddThis

Queen Essex

2009-04-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

You talk like Marlene Dietrich
And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire
Your clothes are all made by Balmain
And there's diamonds and pearls in your hair

You live in a fancy apartment
Of the Boulevard of St. Michel
Where you keep your Rolling Stones records
And a friend of Sacha Distel

But where do you go to my lovely
When you're alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head

I've seen all your qualifications

You got from the Sorbonne
And the painting you stole from Picasso
Your loveliness goes on and on, yes it does

When you go on your summer vacation
You go to Juan-les-Pines
With your carefully designed topless swimsuit
You get an even suntan, on your back and on your legs

When the snow falls you're found in St. Moritz
With the others of the jet-set
And you sip your Napoleon Brandy
But you never get your lips wet

But where do you go to my lovely
When you're alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes I do

Your name is heard in high places
You know the Aga Khan
He sent you a racehorse for Christmas
And you keep it just for fun, for a laugh haha

They say that when you get married
It'll be to a millionaire
But they don't realize where you came from
And I wonder if they really care, they give a damn

But where do you go to my lovely
When you're alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head

I remember the back streets of Naples
Two children begging in rags
Both touched with a burning ambition
To shake off their lowly brown tags, yes they try

So look into my face Marie-Claire
And remember just who you are
Then go and forget me forever
'Cause I know you still bear
the scar, deep inside, yes you do

I know where you go to my lovely
When you're alone in your bed
I know the thoughts that surround you
'Cause I can look inside your head

Like a Boss

2009-04-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

I fried my brain. Every waking moment has been delegated into being productive. I believe that's what caused my brain to pinch itself into a bundle of painful nerves.

I've been getting migraines since I was a child. Complete with violent outbursts, vomiting, and passing out for hours. When I do too much, this is what happens. My brain gets fried from lack of sleep, too much exercise, too much work, too much stress, too many responsibilities that I heap on.

Yes, this is an excuse. Excuses are never nice or polite if you get screwed because my health sucks for the critical hours I may be needed. This is probably why I would have one of the other heroes on the Justice League take over, if I didn't have the social anxiety at times to be able to call them.

With that said, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to Kevin's to clean and give him keys.

I'm sorry I can't get into this painting.

I'm sorry my room is a dive and I live in squaller. (by my standards)

I'm sorry I don't have enough hours in the day to hang out with any of my friends.

I'm sorry I can't afford to go to Meet and Greet Photoshoot opportunities.

I'm sorry my stomach is big and I'm really heavy for a model.

I'm sorry I didn't do enough for the world this week, despite doing my best.

I'm sorry my health sucks when I don't go to the gym regularly because I have anxiety attacks in the morning and the evening.

I apologize for being too honest and hope no one forgives me so I keep up these high standards of living.

I don't like it when I say too much either.

Easter

2009-04-12T07:36:00.001-07:00

I despise the self righteousness at every Christian holiday. Especially Christmas and Especially Easter. The vox populi take their day off to relax but spend it bitching while jamming jelly beans in their mouth. When I look around at my friends, they point out that the Christians are hypocrites who lie to themselves about their day's meaning (blah blah pagan fertility rite) and ironically make fun of a day that MAY MEAN SOMETHING TO A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE.

Is it just me or is it callow to not just suck it up and laugh? This IS how things are and they're weird but awesome. I have a day to look at the sky again and binge on sugar. This is a nice feeling. Sunlight... sugar opiates and I don't have to go into work feeling the crash.

I feel retarded even thinking for a moment about "Changing the system" of a holiday meant to give people a break with a dumb theme:

"Okay, party planning committee? Let's go with the pastels ... yes yes... and its spring, far enough away from Christmas, let's spruce up the place (oh ho, punny!) with some baby animals, that's spring enough, right? People love candy, let's make some molds involving those baby cute animals such as bunnies and chicks and turn them into marshmellows too while we're at it! Let's celebrate everything that's wonderful in spring as just..maybe a pick me up and a reminder of why its great that a god on earth died for us and sprung back to life today, because that's a little TOO morose to think about but we gotta celebrate it because it IS a pretty awesome thing to do. Oh fuck off George Romaro, no one asked for your opinion. And no one's brain was eaten as far as we know."

For the record I am not a Christian, as such. I believe people should be shown respect for their day but I also believe people should think for themselves and weigh the consequences of ruining a holiday that is meant to bring inspiration and relief to many people. Yay! The risen lord! We are saved! Yay! Spring! New Life and warm weather!!

Also for the record, Easter is a lot easier to shop for. I only had to stomp fuck the brains out of one yuppy patron at Target for Robin Eggs this year... Entitled white people, making noises when I try to get by with my cart....

Birthday Week

2009-03-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

May my love reach you all
I lost it in myself and buried it too long
Now that I come to fall
Please say it's not too late
Now that I'm dead and gone

I had an insane birthday week.

Sunday, February 15th-- Dead Fetish photoshoot with Randall Boardman in Maryland. I brought along Jeremy. Picked him up at his house on the way, actually. Photographers who allow escorts hold a good place in my heart as well as ones who pay for travel expenses. From working so many hours at Neato Burrito, I ended up going narcoleptic and it worked out to my favor in a few scenes.

Monday- February 16th:
I stayed over at Jeremy's. After a fun road trip over the Mason Dixon line, I felt I needed a shower and rest next to a comforting penis. Monday is typically my fasting day but I made an exception when Jeremy offered me lots of fancy sushi at the new sushi place in York. The poor fool. He didn't know how high I throw down on sushi. Not the quantity but the quality ala I try every obnoxious and weird combination I see on the menu. Apparently, I was the first date he's had that he's spent over $60 on dinner. Isn't that sweet? Especially the flushed look on his sharp face...

Tuesday -- February 17th:

I worked all day at the Neato Burrito. Its a living. I love the hours and I love the work there. The customers aren't bad and the people I work with are great. At the end of the evening, I skipped merrily to the Irish Pub Ceolta's with my boss Special K for trivia night. I remember getting two drinks in me and someone who does have authority over me in other circumstances telling me to drink more. The free drinks are always nice but driving drunk is a bit of a routine at this point for me when I leave downtown and I worry that my luck will run out.

Wednesday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I worked all day, again, at Neato. I didn't really have a problem with this other than staining my favorite pair of white panties with skulls and chains on them with a period that mysteriously appeared even though I faithfully use birth control. I was a bitch all morning, worked a split, my earphones shattered, aaand I had just enough time and patience to deposit my modeling cash into the accounts reserved for "just when will I/my car get sick and need thousands to fix it" and buy kinky glasses along with replacement headphones.

When I got back, I had the joy of playing with meat and not knowing if I were going to be late closing the store because of fun new projects and high expectations for my new year.

Special K totally saved my night with a handle of Bailey's.

Which I gratefully shared. And helped me when I ran into Chuck. Who mysteriously showed up the right day for a burrito. I was finally not a jackass in his presence. At least, I felt a little less guilty if I was.

Katherine threw me a surprise party! It was ever so much fun. A group all from Neato went across the street to Tom Sawyer's bar. I drank something pink and watched Josh get my coworkers drunk enough to make out and go home with each other. I should have felt guilty. I tried. It was more hilarious than pathetic and sad. Especially at the point when I asked them to tell me exactly how they feel about me and anything bad they know. Oh, they put up a fight. But I got enough from what they had to really think about and pursed lip and eye glances to other areas of the bar followed by compliments.

Charles also showed up. I made it my duty to make him feel very awkward during hug time. ^_^

Thursday- February 19th

My parents finally get to throw me a party. With black forest cake and pizza from Wal-mart and Baileys and a new computer desk for my bed and a speaker docking station for my ipod to take on the road for when photographers ask "whatever you like to listen to"

And Jeremy made me a sweet portrait.

Friday - February 20th

I work the night shift. Of course. But Jeffi and Panda come by with sushi and hilarious stories and we go get saki after work. Another fun time to drive home drunk.

Saturday- February 21st

I work the night shift. Again. And go home with Special K.

Thus, I am never really alone. It felt good to have people to spend time with for my birthday. I've made a lot of friends this year and I've stayed in one place long enough to develop stronger friendships.

2009-02-11T20:06:00.001-08:00

I waited here all by myself
the room was dark and it smelled like sulfur
I heard the screams from way down in the darkness
felt pretty sure my life was over

I kept my hat on just for luck
sang simple tunes the whole night through
I wondered if I'd wake to find myself in flames
as I waited here for you

yeah when you came in
I could breathe again

I saw some guys dressed up like sorcerers
blue robes that flowed above the ground
they came and went and I was frightened for my life
I tried not to make a sound

just when my solitude was closing in
I heard a howl like screeching tires
and I told you the one thing I know how to say
through the bright ringing drone of eight-bit choirs

yeah when you came in
I could breathe again

I should update more

2009-02-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to begin.

Was promoted at work to a shift manager. I fondle money and get keys.

Semi busy with modeling. Apparently, I'm quite popular. So, that's cool.

I may be moving out and getting a roommate with ... uh, my boyfriend. Yeah, I'm a weird and terrible person, but I'd rather keep my life separate. Then again, having my parents house as a homebase when I go gypsy isn't so bad either.

Christ, there's so much going on that I can't put it down to read.

2009-02-03T03:52:00.001-08:00

Someday i'll toss all your presents
and bury the letters left unsent
cause it's bad to do what's easy
just cause it's easy
and i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

the road, she'd roll round the side of the mountain
with nowhere to go
but the heart, we know,
when it's needin it's careenin toward bein alone

someday i'll find the mind to mend it
and make dry these eyes i've gotten wet
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy
i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

the crow, he'd mow half the grass on the knoll
with nowhere to go
but the heart, we know,
when it's lovin it's leanin toward bein alone

the oats we sow,
they could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
but the heart, we know,
when it's askin its exact twin it will not be alone

2009-01-31T19:07:00.001-08:00

I am looking for an inspiration
And I think I found it in your heart
It's the kind of thing you get when you're not looking
It's the kind of thing you had from the start

Put me on a ship that is sinking
On a voyage to an untamed land
Take away the freedoms I wanted
I understand

Please, don't take your love away from me
Don't take your love away from me
Please don't take your love away from me

Please don't take your love from me
Please don't take your love from me

Put me inside flesh that is dying
A ghost that wanders without rest
Buried by desires and weakness
I understand

Please, don't take your love away from me
Don't take your love away from me
Please don't take your love from me
Please don't take your love from me
Hmmmmmm
Hmmmmmm

Ess is Cate Blanchett as Katherine Hepburn in the Essex Machina Story

2009-01-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

I nearly got into a car accident today.

I've been having a weird series of days. Without getting too far into it, work has been stressful and I maybe did that thing I have a habit of doing which is rocking the boat either because I'm afflicted by the imp of the perverse or because I genuinely trust people and have this hope in humanity that things will not be taken out of proportion. Ie. I'm an idiot.

Went to work and left early. A migraine was building. I thought I had a good 30 minutes before my brain detonated. Between the motion sickness and sounds and red lights, it was a very very very bad idea to drive. But, my mother's 60th birthday is coming up tomorrow and I needed to get her cake from one of the best bakeries in the area.

Bought the cake.

Placed it in the back in a secure spot.

Ended up nearly blacking out on the road.

I pulled off into a hotel parking lot and puked my guts out into a tote bag that was closest. Then passed out.

Called for a ride. Dry heaved the whole way home as my mother got angry I couldn't hold a conversation with her. Seriously.

But maybe what struck me is the callousness of the people around me. I say "nearly crashed and puked in my car". My boyfriend thinks it was gross that I puked in my car. My parents believe it wasn't -that- serious I called for help, pale and shaking and unable to drive, with blood and vomit beside me.

This makes no sense.

I feel like I live in a Wonderland and wake up daily remembering the past as angry ugly dreams filled with confusion and inequity.

Maybe someone needs a hug and time with the Pacific ocean.

Blogging is Stupid

2009-01-09T03:37:00.000-08:00

There's something disturbed about letting people this far into your mind. Who knows if I wrote something that can implicate me later, as it was used in High School.

But, it seems that I need to justify my actions and find validation among a large number of strangers (ie, people who know me but stalk me without saying a word until a heated argument).

Currently, I still work at Neato Burrito. I didn't think I would have lasted this long, but I'm actually really good at a cake job that doesn't pay much. I would take a new job that pays more, but right now there isn't much money out there and a lot of people are lucky to have the jobs they do. No matter how pathetically they pay and prevent me from moving out of my parents house. So, I sock away half my paycheck into savings since my needs are pretty inexpensive and watch that 1% go up. Up. UP!!!

My father is currently at Johns Hopkins Medical for cancer treatment. I'm not asking anyone to pity anyone in my family. Cancer is pretty common and nature's way of weeding out the human race from being 1000 years old. It just sucks when its your father, the person you're the most like in the family even if you don't like him half the time for that fact. He comes home today and will not leave the house for a full month. This... will kinda suck. Its not that I don't like my father or my mother for that matter.. I just want to move out really badly after living on my own for the past week. But.. no money to move out for very long. So, I go back to my Freegan books and making art with my garbage and try to tune them out. Go back to living in libraries for the peace of mind.

Lately I've wanted to run away. You know. Like that guy. Ter-Ter.. TEROUGH? Thoreau. Just live without people for awhile or as much as I can. Again, I'm not against anyone or think less of anyone. I'm just tired of putting others before me or jumping through hoops to make their lives more stable.

Next week is Farm Show. I know Diana hates it because she has to report it for PA's CSPAN network that she works for... But, man. I don't know why I enjoy the mixing of ghetto and hick and Amish into one huge world market that reminds me of the strength of Americana and how far we've come as a nation. Sure, Americans can be rude and arrogant and believe our shit doesn't stink (it was the cows over there, I swear)... but its us. Farming is what America is. What was before and under those McMansions and malls. The richest topsoil in the world (not a hyperbole. Lancaster county IS the richest in the world) and PA is an agricultural state. Even if the Chinese buy up all our Farmland we will never ever go hungry. Even in recessions, we won't starve for this fact. We may die of exposure.. though, hunger... never.

Oh yeah, I have heat again in my house. The oil company extorted more money out of us despite the payment plan we had. So, i.e. my mother had to go into our inheritance from my big shot lawyer grandfather and pay another grand to have heat put back on before my father came home from the hospital. Such is life. And why I could have people over during this week. When I say people, I mean Jeremy came over, we fucked like rabbits and he made lots of disturbingly creative solutions with the food I had lying around my fridge and cabinets. Disturbing in that, hell, I wouldn't have thought to put a leftover burrito stuffing into a pan of water to resurrect old rice. Its kinda weird to be with a useful genius compared to the whiny sacks of shit I used to date. It almost makes me want to be a better person.
Its just that I can't a-muse myself right now. Which is another reason why I want to walk away. I haven't painted in months. I just assemble things. My workout schedule is pitted with holes of days I skipped. There have been a lot of fuck ups lately without the structure of school. I'd rather not go to school unless there was something I really wanted. I'd like to go to HACC again for some classes like photoshop and dance.

Now I'm late for the gym.

Feeling fat but not sassy,

-Essex

2009-01-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

"You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautiful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem."

2009-01-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

Chorus:
You can do what you want
The opportunitys on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see ah ah ah
Its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
cause theres a million things to do
You know that there are

Chorus

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

2008-12-26T22:09:00.001-08:00

Hey

2008-11-25T03:24:00.001-08:00

Remind me to write in this later. Lots of things going on.

2008-11-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

Its angsty.

2008-10-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

10-13-2008

2008-10-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Its true. I've been shirking from my modeling duties a bit while I get stable on this part time job
+plus gym
+plus driving
+art

Throw in a relationship...

I'm uncertain how I'm going to do it all most days. Good thing today was my weekly fast because I can't really eat. High anxiety just kills it. So as much as I try, I feel worse diving into consolatory waffles at a diner. Like the invisible monsters are pick axing my guts.

Then...I remember... Its not uncertainty so much as knowing the amount of work involved and blind leaps of faith involved.

The intuition... knows. And its very very paranoid.

2008-10-13T05:27:00.001-07:00

You're the most beautiful girl in the world and I
cannot understand why you have to deal with
this shit.

You've also got art to make and things to do --
on your own schedule. You're not doing anything
wrong.

Let's Get out of here

2008-10-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

Broken Social Scene

Another photoshoot that rocked faces. I was covered in blood and then thrown into a field with a gun. Pictures to follow later.

10-5-2008

2008-10-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

--Photo by Glenn

Spent the weekend in Ocean City Maryland and Assateague Island with the photographers Rick and Michelle. I frolicked, they took pictures and I saw ponies.

The pictures will be posted as soon as possible. The photographers actually can't post some of them because they're destined for a photo exhibition coming up and it would ruin the surprise. That'll be in a year.

So, I was running around naked most of the weekend either on the beach or at the hotel on the beach.

Currently, I'm unpacking and sweeping sand away. That stuff is deadly.

Also blaring music so I don't have to think very hard about many other issues in my life. Check out my blip.fm to get in on moozik.

On the To Do list...

2008-09-28T14:23:00.001-07:00

Pumpkin Muffins Recipe

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (205 degrees C). Place rack in the middle of the oven. Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners or spray with a non stick vegetable spray.

In a medium sized bowl mix together the pumpkin puree, eggs, buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, bran, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Add the milk and egg mixture to the flour mixture. Stir until just combined. Fold in the raisins. Do not over mix the batter or the muffins will be tough when baked.

Fill the muffin cups with the batter using two spoons or an ice cream scoop. Place in the oven and bake for about 18 - 20 minutes, or until firm to the touch and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Place on a wire rack to cool.

Makes 12 regular-sized muffins.

Pumpkin Muffins:

1 cup canned pumpkin puree

2 large eggs, lightly beaten

1/2 cup (120 ml) buttermilk or plain yogurt

1/2 cup (120 ml) canola or safflower oil

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3/4 cup (105 grams) whole wheat flour (can use all-purpose flour)

3/4 cup (55 grams) natural bran

3/4 cup (150 grams) granulated white sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (140 grams) raisins or dried cranberries

Its Saturday!!

2008-09-27T06:27:00.001-07:00

What do ya know? Cold and rainy as the last Saturday in September. I remember my obsessive days in the art studio on Fridays and Saturdays, when I'd cloister myself and dream of all the boys and girls I loved while painting to produce. It was always cold and rainy. Like a big depressing blanket that wouldn't let me leave the room because its much much worse to be cold and wet than facing my true nature and self that I distract with the internet and other things not to see.

But today I'm going to Scott Church's studio to pose for Thomas and Jeremy will be there.

Yesterday I got a part time job.

Today I'm wearing fake eyelashes.

2008-09-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

In the end, you are exactly--what you are. Put on a wig with a million curls, put the highest heeled boots on your feet, yet you remain in the end just what you are.

My Party is Better Than Yours

2008-09-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

I'm having a party but you're not invited
Pizza and fizzy-pop it's all so exciting
Sardines and musical chairs
What a shame that you're not here

So, here's where I'll be on Saturday. Penciled in so far is the Scott Church workshop in the morning to afternoon. I'll be there as the guest of a photographer I've been chatting to work with for some time and another model he's hired. I bought brand new black thongs for the event. Enlarge for information.

I probably should pick up more fetish gear but I'm poor and I'll probably rewear something. sigh.

Then its off to Collegeville, PA to work with Wreckingball Photo. Doing a number of themes that I think will make some great additions and new addictions to the portfolio.

Maybe I'll be able to catch Caroline Martin and hold her down for some tea and talk about photos like the old days. Maybe schedule more photos? I miss her.

Next weekend, October 4th and 5th, I'll be in Assateague, Maryland shooting with Michelle and Rick, the most photographic couple of the year. We'll get some very strong erotic shots any way ya slice it. Hopefully, it won't be too chilly when I'm splashing around in nothing but a piece of silk fabric.

And now back to my Neal Stephenson book. Or making corn muffins. Dad needs more TLC lately.

"Thumbsucker"

2008-09-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

"Thumbsucker" by Dan Kim, taken at the 2nd Floor Gallery show.

A few things.

That photographer sorta apologized. Thanks for all the "Grr, that dirty ratsahfratsah" talk. It helped. I was pretty hurt by the run-in. I would prefer not to work with anyone that will abuse my generosity and insult by using me as his punching bag. I'm not sure I want to patch things up.

Volunteering again for the local art museum. I let this peter off while I went to school and worked extra hours on physical training, painting and modeling. They've made some changes. $5 to get in versus the $2 admission to free while I was there. Volunteering keeps me out of trouble and I network into more galleries.

I've been applying for regular work to pay for my modeling/crack habit. It shocked a lot of photographers and models in the US and internationally that photographers in Central PA refuse to pay the models and even refuse to cover gas. The typical excuse is that they don't have the money and couldn't possibly do their art if they paid models. I also hear that they've been burned for their trouble so any amount the model asks for sounds ludicrous. I have a huuuuge list of references, people. I work hard. I show up early and I leave late. Like I do for -any- job I take on. I'm a perfectionist and I'm doing this to make art. But I can't make art if I'm bled dry on funds.

So, I applied at Lane Bryant. Yes, the fat girl's store. No, nothing there fits me. That's the point. I won't spend money on anything but jewelry if that in the store. My god, I never felt more awkwardly anorexic in my life. I wear a 10. I -am- a plus size model. However, no one that goes into that store is less than a size 18. I would cast anyone my size out as being a skinny bitch and unable to give me any straight advice. However, I used to be a compulsive shopper at Lane Bryant when I was a size 22. (Which is why I apply at these places. I drop a LOT of weight when I'm engaged in structured work. So, it would only get worse if I got the job.)

Which I didn't. There's a trial run before being hired. I have 15 minutes to make a sale and show I could be an important member of the team. Ie Kinda fake but with a positive personality. Ehh... I wanted this job so I could accumulate that skill. So, I wasn't very outgoing with the costumers. Since I didn't really have a retail experience in yeaaars, I didn't know what to say. "That's... wow, why would you wear that?" I was completely autistic. The manager swept in a number of times.

In a week, I have a few photoshoots. One at a Scott Church workshop. The other 2 hours in the other direction in Collegeville. Then I hope to recontact with Caroline Martin, my wonderful, beautiful Caroline. One of the true photographers I've worked with that can find inner beauty in so many.

I hear tales of a Corwin Prescott shoot too. Yay!

This just means a bit of an intensive work out regime to get ready as well as careful diet and allocation of time. Ie I can't be home and I have to hit the gym twice a day as well as most of my calories coming from protein shakes and veggies. It'll be rough but I can do it. Mostly by doing nothing but art and projects with duct tape on my mouth.

This is how TFP will bite you in the ass.

2008-09-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

For all the laymen to the photography world (how could that be? Every girl on the internet is apparently a model and every cretin is a photographer!!)...

TFP = Trade for Print or Trade for a CD of images to use in the portfolio.

I became friends with a photographer who needed a model to get better at his art. He was a nice guy, friend of a friend. We worked together several times and get somewhat close.

Well, when I won't immediately do what he says ie shoot in a building that's currently being renovated because of the major dust problem and the bit of asthma I have, he throws a hissy fit and immediately cancels the shoot, wasting my time and the hour of prep I went into to get ready.

Not only that, but while he was throwing a fit, I checked out the rest of the building. The basement was just perfect and had fewer workers kicking up dust and making noise. I was still willing to shoot.

Exact conversation outside the building:

ME: "I'm still willing to shoot in the building. Its less dusty downstairs"
Photographer: "Look, I don't want to argue. You can't just tell me one thing and then tell me another. I'm not a mindreader. I'm sorry if you think I'm stupid."

What the fuck. Since when did amateur photographers think they were brilliant enough to get away with that shit?

I'm assuming nothing but this photographer has been acting wonky around me for awhile, not to mention I was kicked out of his house by his wife, which he claimed had nothing to do with me. Uh... huh.

In conclusion, I require a $20 deposit for my time even doing 'tfp', which I don't need. I do this because I love to model. I do not want to be fed for my time. I don't want to barter or bicker about gas. I want a carrot that's reasonable for even getting out of bed, paying for the gym membership, taking better than normal care of myself, paying for the upkeep of a car to get me there and paying for what it takes to just do this as a "hobby".

Further:

It takes more than a bit of beauty to do this modeling thing. Most models are buying their gear on their own dollar. A lot of time photographers refuse to pay for gas. Models do their own makeup. And let me tell you. Its about 2-6 hours of nothing but contortions and yoga poses, which is very very draining. Added on to the fact that models are meeting men they don't know and going to locations that are far enough away that no one will hear them scream if they're murdered for their trouble, no matter how many good references the photographer had. It is not for the faint of heart. If photographers want half way decent pictures, they need seasoned models. And they need to be paid for their time and experience and especially for their contribution.

Poster of a Girl

2008-09-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

Working out was fun today. Jemmy didn't slam me too hard for some reason.

Tentively, I'm going to say I'm seeing someone.

This usually does not end well when I say this out loud.

Anyway, I've been seeing someone exclusively for a few weeks now, and while I'm not sure if its very serious, I will say I'm not interested in showing this person disrespect by fucking around on him. I would like to see how it goes and get to know him better. Imagine that.

Plans for this week: Driving everywhere I need to be, applying for a job at Neato Burrito (I miss making pico de gallo and I finally have the piercings), going to a job interview on Tuesday, booking more modeling gigs, therapy appointment followed by Salvation Army, and starting up some ebay shenanigans.

And now back to studying.

One More Thing...

2008-09-13T15:08:00.001-07:00

I scheduled a driver's test for October 10th at 1 pm.

Many people do not know I never had a driver's license after all these years. And yet, I travel quite extensively through the country, typically by train or plane (the buses are heinous)

I broke down and bought a car in May hoping to teach myself how to drive.

After the car was cleaned several times, inside and out, and I saved up the money for inspection, I am now driving it regularly.

No trips outside of 20 miles but I'm driving.

Off to my gig!

09/13-2008

2008-09-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

I really have to stop reading up on messy fetish before I go to bed. I had a dream of one of the photographers I've worked with and a giant 'to go' container full of ranch dressing.

To hit the gym or not... its a 3 hour commitment... a lot of walking while I'm still limping from the gym yesterday... my boyfriend will think I'm a pussy if I don't go... I really need a carrot.

So its off to the weigh station. I can't tell if I'm improving or not. I think I will once I get a job and some structure to my situation. Oh, hell. If I just start driving, I won't have time to think about anything. I only gain if I'm spending time at home.

And that is my weight loss advice for everyone on the planet.

Get involved in something. Don't stay at home. Keep small healthy snacks on you and drink a lot of water so you don't binge on a cheese steak sub. Unless you're a guy. Then you can have 1800 calories to my 900. :P

Seriously. Prepare to eat only 900 calories a day. You -will- go over but if you struggle to maintain the 900, you'll be okay.

You don't have to believe me. You can listen to the advice by all the magazines that say a certain number and certain practices... But I lost 90 lbs pretty easily with that plan.

Tonight I'll be in Mechanicsburg, implied nude modeling for a little bit of money to pay off some debts. I think I show up with a bedsheet and my pretty self.

Tomorrow: Gym with Jemmy. He's teaching the values of interval training and a lot of showers.

Btw, nine eleven

2008-09-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

Update: I'm not sure how to say "Pull for Kevin" or "Pray for Kevin" but my friend and creator of "Digital Articulation" photos, Kevin Greggain had a heart attack, I think, today. Fae sent me a number of texts and calls to keep me updated and I really thank her. There isn't much I can do and I'll get panicky if I really stop and think about it. But I trust the people he's in the care of and he goes in for surgery tomorrow.

There.

Whew.

Now back to the previous entry:

That's right. I take a train to Lancaster on NINE ELEVEN. And yes, I did see a cop on the train. Though, I think he was on his way to either Philly or NYC.

I woke up at 5 am for this photoshoot. It actually took me 4 hours to get ready and on the train. It was worth it though.

I worked with Arvin. I got to wear my fuzzy tube dress and a few other pieces for the shoot. It was nice. Got some great shots.

Argh, there's too much for me to think about.

Busy busy.

09/10/2008

2008-09-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

By the way, Nine Eleven.

Busy day tomorrow.

I catch the train at 9:00 am. Which means I have to be there at 8:30 at the latest with allll my stuff.

Then I shoot with a new photographer.

So.

List of things to do before I pass out from my busy night tonight (Don't ask. And don't look for the pictures online.)

1. Pack for photoshoot. vintage/punk
2. Shower
3. Put away laundry
4. Pack vitamins
5. pack ipod
6. Find my uncle's number and see if I can crash
6A. Thereby, pack camera and sketchbook
7. Find time to hit the gym.
8. Buy a ticket for 5 pm for the train home, if taking it.

WEEEEE!!!

Then Saturday, I'm working at a gallery, modeling in Mechanicsburg 7-10 pm. I think I'm going to be nekkid but let's not put money on that and just pack a big piece of cloth or a big men's shirt. hawt.

Friday... uhm, nothing planned so I can paint. YAY!

Sunday... Yoga demonstration at the Hershey Gardens.

Oy, my hamstrings hurt.

And now back to my Buffy marathon.

09/10/2008

2008-09-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Its late. I need to go to bed so I can hit the gym early. Its easier to go to the gym when its first thing.

I have photoshoots set up. One in Lancaster. I found out the commute by train is incredibly affordable. Even less expensive than driving (at least on my own state of mind when I still depend on drivers.)

Then two photoshoots the same day at the end of the month. I can do both. But its tricky finding the words to say "Must leave early." when there so much fun. Especially when Eudraw wants to help out.

Currently I work for the photographer PEEK as his muse when we're both free. Whatever I want, he'll shoot and he'll shoot well. I <3 this arrangement. "Whatever you want". He cares and takes the time to shoot me in the most flattering light and keep in contact. This is very important to me, as when I make art with anyone. Completely open. Very little pressure about the circumstances as long as we're both there. Him with a camera and me with the talent and the creative mind for costume and movement in any environment he picks. Currently, we're in the process of creating a very special kind of art statement. Everything revealed later.

I've begun driving my car, the Karltron2000. If it fucks up, I yell at Karl. Repeatedly. This has only gotten me in trouble once, as one of the artists I was posing for was named Karl and the door on the Karl swung into my upper arm as I was putting away my gear. "Damn you KARLtron!!"

Overall things are okay. There have been too many adventures that I can talk about over rum but not on here.

Next major trip is to Philadelphia. There's a collected work exhibit of Robert Crumb I do not want to miss. Some more to that story later.

I've lost my appetite.

2008-09-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Buh... my body is so tired. I'm going through coffee withdrawel and slight anxiety. I can't eat when I'm upset. All I can do is drink water and do some artwork.

2008-08-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

I'd like to write something in here that you'd care about...

Other than I am jonesing to hit a major city either NYC or Philly very soon. Baltimore/DC.. not as sure about. I'm thinking Yankee.

Need funds.

Selling paintings. (4 serious)

And modeling for people who give me love and support.

Its not so bad but part of me definately would like something steady to pay for this car I like to drive...

2008-08-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Art Piece by PEEK!

Get the rope, tie me to the bedpost.
Because I can't find within myself the happy host
If I find my piece of mind, torture me
If I seem too serene, torture me

Torture me with all I've wanted (torture me)
Hit me with the way they're flaunted (with all I've wanted)
When I am surrounded (torture me)
Torture me with all I've wanted
Torture me with all I've wanted

Bring me meat, bring me fire, one backless strapless copper thread gown, giddy kitty gut twine.
Bring turpentine, I can't stand by high streets that fight the bland,
I've got to bite the hand; so if i find a piece of mind, torture me.
If I seem too serene, torture me.

2008-08-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Major weekend of photo shoots. All over Harrisburg Friday and Saturday and wrapping up at the Shimp studio with Digital Articulation.

So many pictures. I slowly release my little fish every day for maximum benefit.

In the meantime, I'm going to start selling my plasma door to door...

PEEK!! OMG

2008-08-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Omg, this is so freakin' cool.

<3 Peek.<3 good.

WEEEE

2008-08-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

24 hours of shooting around Harrisburg with the fabulous PEEK and Diana Robinson. Alexander was great too. I love learning new board games.

Pictures to follow.

In other news, the car is coming along nicely. Soon, golden shackles.

Things are actually interesting but not comfortable. Like well made bondage boots but with more depth. Much more... yes... No white elephant objects for meee...

Galleries, galleries, galleries. Modeling, modeling modeling. Fun Fun Fun. Vintage clothings offered to me with gratuity. Long distance travel soon.

Oh ya, someone left me a mean comment on my previous entries so I totally deleted my entire blog and started over. I had no idea anyone but me was looking at this despite numerous links. So! I write about all the positive things I enjoy in life.

Like blogging and making the Dean's List on my last 2 classes, both with a heavy work load, one of which made me several hundred dollars in modeling work and on paintings. It was so great to get a reward for further good behavior that I used it as an excuse to celebrate with awesome friends.

-Eeeesex.